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Saturday, July 3rd, 2004

Time:12:58 am.
Mood: drunk.
not really drunk but buzzed, but hey anythign after working 63 hours a week huh? been working for Cohen and Green here in downtown Fayetteville for 5 months now. exactly. trying to get hired. see i'm working for a job hunter place called Labor Finders. and they sent me to Cohen and Green Feb 2nd. and i been working there since then and have moved up from what's called a "shaker table" where i used to sort steel and copper and all other things. i was supposed to be hired in May but the day after i broke my finger and it's been two motnhs now and my finger is still not in good condition, i would say fair. still a bit fractured. due to the complicated break. i mean i couldn't have just broken it in the center, but i broke it in half from the joint to near center. now i still have a minor fracture atmy joint which has disableed my ability to bend at the tip of my finger. i don't know if i will ever get to bend it soon or whenever, due to the break i did suffer lacerations on the side and top of my finger which had to get stitches. doctors have told me the ligaments have just tightened but i fear maybe a tendin was ruptured. but oh well i have been managing use of my right hand since then. i just hope it doesn't affect my ability to tattoo later.
in that manner, life has been going somewhat okay now. i been working my ass off to save money so this time around i can get my fiance to STAY in the country. i really want to forget the shit that happened when she was here. cuz too much bullshit happened and nothign went righ tbut this time i am set on making it right with no one there to phwuck it up. actually i have really forgotten the bullshit, but i am tryna be more ficuse dont he future and saving a good amount of money. besides the cursed fridays i have had in April and May which have set me back about 600 dollars, i have been doing good with money. and now i am going to get hired soon to this jobn i been working at, maybe i will get more money for my efforts. but anyway, i need a break from this town, i might go to Raleigh this weekend to get away from everything. i am sick of this scene, my family is acting up again, under circumstances that i am tryna get things done. even though Jenn says i prcrastinate, i know i do, sometimes i get way too focused on one thing and myself at times that i get oo lazy to do other things but i am trying really hard to get things things better here so she can come back. i now right now she is quitting smokigna dn can get bitchy, but Jenn i want you to know i am trying here. i just want to work more and get more money cuz money is the most important thing with getting you back here and when i get hired it'll be even better. okay well i think i don't have much else to say. i was just updating this journal cuz i haven't written in it since like before Jenn came her and i wen tthru hell living on my own in some ghetto ass neighborhood and all that stroy i want to forget and all. so anywau, love you jennifer if you see this. later ournal.
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Saturday, November 1st, 2003

Subject:words of unecessary concern
Time:3:01 am.
nothing to particular going but i though timight as well contribute to this community. well, jenn will be here in 38 days......38 days....i can't wait. i hope if she reads this she can understand my happiness about this. her brother Tim is here and he is getting things situate din order for Jenn and his chic to get back. he gets to spend a month without his chic whiel i have been siffering nearly a year without being next to my chic. overall i have been thru any and every type of depression. drugs, drinking, and just plain insanity to relax my nerves. it may be a bad thing but when you don't have a lot of good in your life then you tend to find something to fill the hole. i don't like the drugs but the drugs like me. ah, whatever, but actually, since Jenn's brother is here now, that's half the worry. and now knowing that his chic will be coming back then that means both of our loved ones will be on flight dec. 9th or earlier. so getting a place and deciding costs willl be important in the next weeks. 38 days now. seems long but it really isn't that long. when you number them at that, it seems like this eternity never existed. maybe when Jennifer gets back, it won't feel that way. i love Jennifer so much. no matter what crap that has happened in this year without her, she's always been the one i have felt comfortable with. it's like that U2 song, i can't live with or without you. there's just to much in my heart and mind to let go of that girl. and if a love like that means that much then it means the world. a few eeks from now, i hope i can look back at this and hten see, that thru all the struggle and hardship i have been thru in the past year, that i hav finallly reached a somewhat pinaccle of my well being. i haven't been very well and i know my faults and my adictions, but when i can finally settle down i know that i can finally be free of my torture. i love you Jennifer Stephens, if you read this, i have been true all the time, i may have acted a fool time to time, ut i just know that i couldn't loose you no matter what and i didn't want to give up on something i know i could have for the rest of my life. anyway, i amn going to go.
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Friday, May 16th, 2003

Time:12:27 am.
Mood: calm.
well hello live journal. i am writing in you right now at midnight. just got home from work. not much going on. my friend Johnathan came in today. he lef the Marines and is now living back in Fayetteville. i don't know what was a worse mistake, but i do know coming back here to this town was not a good plan. now he's working at a resturante. going from saving the world to serving people meals. what a guy. it's cool he's back i guess haven't seen him in ages and all. pretty much grew up with him since elementary school 3rd grade and we have been friends since then on a see-you-around basis seems like.
aside from that. i just started class for the summer and already we have to begin projects. what a delima. but this is the part of graphic design i like. illustration. i hope to learn more about stippling which is our first project. i'm really interested in that technique and so far have not begun to conceive any mastery in that area. it's good that i now am taking two illustration classes this time around being that i am going to apprentice for tattooing next month. i can't wait. that is my dream job. for thepast five years or so i have been doing designs and art and well getting tattoos put on me. i love tattoo in the aspect of the designs you can create, the diversity of the art and the color and how to apply them to human skin as memories. tattooing right now is a big part of today's society and that wold be the perfect job for my kind of talent. the hell with computers. i want to draw and draw on people and get paid. i mean, considering that my curriculum is based on graphic design AND advertising, i am more interested in graphic design. art has always been my interest becasue of the ability to create and manipulate ones visions and observations thru skills with your hand. computers really don't interest me in that area. although i would like to learn more about that than i know now. i know how to work photoshop and iluustrator but i am not interested in them. i just don't have the patience to deal with something i can't control altogether with my hands. my lovely fiancee was able to do that by just sitting around and tooling with a program. it's not fair. i pay money to learn this and she does it on her own. she's very inspirational. and if you read this baby you are inspirational to me. you are smart and wonderful and i am glad i have you and we will be married sometime soon. i don't care what anyone says about marriage. we'll get thru it. and we'll get thru this long distance crap. i just want you to know i love you always and my heart only belongs to you. i'll never trade it for anything else.
blah. yeah, well for now i will just continue to be bored in my home. sitting in my room wondering what i will do the next day and how much money i will have. money is gonna be killer for me with the supplies i need for class. and i am only working a shytty 25 per 2 weeks. that's bullshyt. i need at least 30. i get a pay raise then all of a sudden my hours dwindle and i only got to see one paycheck that was over 425, now all my paychecks are like they were when i was making 6.50 so what the phwuck was the use for pying me more when i am not getting more hours and going full circle. okay well imma let this go.
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Friday, April 11th, 2003

Time:8:42 pm.
Mood: good.
well writing in here for the first time in a long time really. nothign really happening. i think i may be coming to terms with my depression and all. i'm trying my best to get out of this slump i feel. i talked with my fiance Jenn and she helped me out a bit. and i have decided that i rather keep going thru school. i had quit becasue i was really feeling awful and felt stressed out and pressured by it all. i know it may have been too many credit hours to begin with, but it was taking its toll on me. i just wanted to get thru as many classes as i could but i should slow it down and take it one step at a time. i went back today to speak wiht my advisor to see if he can help me out with trying to get back in and what i could do and if i can still apply for further classes for maybe the summer and fall. everything really depends on if i am moving and when. i hate having to be here more than i would like but i know i have to wait until Jenn is ready for me to move there. but i feeel empty and more alone that idon't get the chance to be next to her and everything.
so i am hoping sometime down the road there will be a possibility of me getting back to where i was and not get myself worked up in my problems. i love my fiance so much and i felt really bad for not telling her that i had left school. i didn't want to hurt anybody by the stupid mistake. but i know i am not giving up, cuz i have never given up on trying. i've gotten pretty far in the things i have done. in my job, in my art, i need to keep going at it. this is my talent and i need to make something of it to better my future. it would be pointless to waste it all over this depression i have.
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Friday, March 21st, 2003

Time:11:12 am.
Mood: depressed.
yeah depressed as usual. just got paid and after all my payments of what needds to be taken care of, i now have 14 dollars for the next two weeks. isn't that great. i love these situations. struggling to live out here. i have so much to do it feels like but i'm really not up to doing anything anymore lately. i don't have all the energy to do them, or happiness. i am constantly worrying about things. i'm hoping i can move within two months but right now i really don't see that happening. that's what i am worrying about constantly and it's hard to not worry about something like that. whether or not if i should get my things together or wait a little longer. my mind tells me two months left but my heart says it's going to be longer. and i hate this feeling. this contradiction. and there's no one really that could help me thru this bt my fiancee. but she's way off in Germany where i want to be righ tnow with her. i'm tired of feeling so tired and restless and not doing anything. and this rainy foggy weather does not make it any better for my self esteem. makes me feel more depressed about things and my horizons are limited to me. i want to be able to smile one day and laugh and actually mean it when i do. to be in the right state of mind about being happy instead of setting myself in that spot. this is hard. i can't go on like this seems like. but i'll just kep sitting here like i normally do til i can get out of this town.
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Sunday, March 16th, 2003

Time:1:50 am.
Mood: blank.
just got home form work and sitting here. i had a terrible migrane at work tonight to the point wher ei was about to throw up. i have been stressed out and depressed quiet often this week and it is starting to scare me. i feel like i am failing and becoming worthless. i just want things to happen and happen quickly. i am hoping my fiance will get things together and be able to get a job sometime soon in the next couple months so i will be able to get out of this town. i have nearly had it with the ignorance of people around here. i can't tolerate stupid people and how they treat me with such disrespect like i am some young little punk kid just working to make some cash for fun. when this is my job i have to manage and save money so i can leave these fools.
like i have said many a time before. i need to get out this town, but i hate having to leave my friends behind and all the people and my family. i love all them very much, but i need a change in atmosphere and i need to be happy. it's not very fun going thru each day not being with my fiance or being able to hold her, kiss her, touch her or anything. only contact is thru this internet and telephone and it' snot quite enough. i feel more and more sad and depressed each day when i don't get to be with her. and i am really anxious to be able to take this oppurtunity to leave and be with her and have a life in a whole new country. a country where i don't have to listen to this english blabber and complaints and ignorance. to feel calm and on my own. just like the line in one of my favorite songs by the Used: "this could be my chance to break out, this could be my chance to say good bye at last it's finally over, couldn't take this town much longer, being half dead wasn't what i planned to be now i'm ready to be free."
The Used is such a great band and all their songs and lyrics have really helped me and inspired me. i thought they were just some annoying punk band they have going these days. but these guys really rock out and have great lyrics to back up there sound. anyone who hasn't listened needs to grab a listen and be surprised. and the song they do On My Own is one of the best songs becasue the first time i heard it, i broke out in tears becasue it's exactly how i feel about moving. and chaning my life to be somewhat "on my own". well i will let this go.
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Tuesday, March 11th, 2003

Time:2:14 am.
Mood: melancholy.
just sitting here bored and wondering if i am really tired or not. nope just really bored. i want to go and do something but nothing really to do. i have my last day of spring break tomorrow and then i hit the books again for another 8 weeks or so. can't wait for things to even out and then i can move off to Germany. i really can't wait to move and be with my fiance. i miss her so much. i miss being around her and holding her and everything. i will miss everyone here alot, all the friends i have met and my family. but i gotta move on and do something with myself. i am not really happy here. i am more depressed each day and wanting to do things but then i don't go and do them cuz i just don't have the energy or willingness to do them. so i trap myself here. this is how it'll be if i stay here more than i want to. i don't like this feeling. i just want to be happy and be with my love. i can't take this feeling lonely with nothing fun and exciting to do. nothing here is very enchanting in this town. but anyway. that's really it. not much else to really say. might just go to bed.
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Tuesday, February 4th, 2003

Time:5:59 pm.
just typing in to see if this works for me
Comments: Read 4 orAdd Your Own.

LiveJournal for Daisy Satan.

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You're looking at the latest 8 entries.